Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology...?
I came across the gift for today: the Universe is tremendous! Whenever one least expects it, boom!, a surprise, many of them a gift. (Others, not so...well, at first, "they" say.)
When I was growing up, I got scolded, and my sister and brother too, and with the scolding came the phrase..."Los niños hablan cuando las gallinas mean", which goes to English somewhat like "Children speak when chicken 'pee' ". Have you ever seen a "chicken pee"...? With what I now know, at this age, this was quite a heavy mandate...I hope I never used it with my children, and if I did, hopefully it was infrequently, and that it did not affect them...please God...! Forgive me, kids, if I did!
Anyway, in that stream of thought, the reading today comes across like this:
"Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognized, lights up our limbic brain and creates an "ahá moment". In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit."
Let's review that again:..." kills the spirit "...Woaaauuu!
If when one tried to express something, whether a joyful, traumatic, sad or angry sentiment or experience, and one was shutdown..."Awww, you shouldn't feel like that", or "Don't you dare raise your head and look at me when I reprimand you"...(btw, not really reprimanded, there was a belt in there somewhere!), or ..."I feel so bad about...(fill in your own).." and one is cut off with, "No, why should you? , the author goes as far as writing: " kills the spirit "...
So, le'ts fill in the context:
Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., in the book “The Body Keeps the Score”, p. 234, Chapter on "Breaking the silence”, writes:
"If you've been hurt, you need to acknowledge and name what happened to you. I know that from personal experience: as long as I had no place where I could let myself know what it was like when my father locked me in the cellar of our house for various three-year-old offenses, I was chronically preoccupied with being exiled and abandoned. Only when I could talk about how that little boy felt, only when I could forgive him for having been as scared and submissive as he was, did I start to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognized, lights up our limbic brain and creates an "aha moment". In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit. Or, as John Bowlby so memorably put it: “what cannot be spoken to the [m]other cannot be told to the self."
Additionally, and in a previous paragraph, the author writes:
“We may think we can control our grief, our terror, or our shame by remaining silent, but naming offers the possibility of a different kind of control. When Adam was put in charge of the animal kingdom in the Book of Genesis, his first act was to give a name to every living creature. …
On p. 235...
“…As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, it saps your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored and shut down. Meanwhile, stress hormones keep flooding your body, leading to headaches, muscle aches, problems with your bowels or sexual functions – and irrational behaviors that may embarrass you and hurt the people around you. Only after you identify the source of these responses can you start using your feelings as signals of problems that require your urgent attention.
Ignoring inner reality eats away at your sense of self, identity, and purpose. … ~~~ … The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage. …”
So, need we say more...? Happy expressing y'all!
When I was growing up, I got scolded, and my sister and brother too, and with the scolding came the phrase..."Los niños hablan cuando las gallinas mean", which goes to English somewhat like "Children speak when chicken 'pee' ". Have you ever seen a "chicken pee"...? With what I now know, at this age, this was quite a heavy mandate...I hope I never used it with my children, and if I did, hopefully it was infrequently, and that it did not affect them...please God...! Forgive me, kids, if I did!
Anyway, in that stream of thought, the reading today comes across like this:
"Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognized, lights up our limbic brain and creates an "ahá moment". In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit."
Let's review that again:..." kills the spirit "...Woaaauuu!
If when one tried to express something, whether a joyful, traumatic, sad or angry sentiment or experience, and one was shutdown..."Awww, you shouldn't feel like that", or "Don't you dare raise your head and look at me when I reprimand you"...(btw, not really reprimanded, there was a belt in there somewhere!), or ..."I feel so bad about...(fill in your own).." and one is cut off with, "No, why should you? , the author goes as far as writing: " kills the spirit "...
So, le'ts fill in the context:
Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., in the book “The Body Keeps the Score”, p. 234, Chapter on "Breaking the silence”, writes: "If you've been hurt, you need to acknowledge and name what happened to you. I know that from personal experience: as long as I had no place where I could let myself know what it was like when my father locked me in the cellar of our house for various three-year-old offenses, I was chronically preoccupied with being exiled and abandoned. Only when I could talk about how that little boy felt, only when I could forgive him for having been as scared and submissive as he was, did I start to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognized, lights up our limbic brain and creates an "aha moment". In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit. Or, as John Bowlby so memorably put it: “what cannot be spoken to the [m]other cannot be told to the self."
Additionally, and in a previous paragraph, the author writes:
“We may think we can control our grief, our terror, or our shame by remaining silent, but naming offers the possibility of a different kind of control. When Adam was put in charge of the animal kingdom in the Book of Genesis, his first act was to give a name to every living creature. …
On p. 235...
“…As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, it saps your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored and shut down. Meanwhile, stress hormones keep flooding your body, leading to headaches, muscle aches, problems with your bowels or sexual functions – and irrational behaviors that may embarrass you and hurt the people around you. Only after you identify the source of these responses can you start using your feelings as signals of problems that require your urgent attention.
Ignoring inner reality eats away at your sense of self, identity, and purpose. … ~~~ … The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage. …”
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