Learning not to be surprised...but to rest...,cont'd.

The awareness of surprises being so common in my daily life, was a specially meaningful one when it arose. I could 'see' how my day was full of sharp mini-jolts as thoughts of fear of something about to happen, or of something that was supposed to happen or to be made to happen (by me) that didn't, or 'how was it possible for me to have done something the way I had', all - were accompanied by this jolt, this sharp rebuke-like energy flashing thru my awareness in that moment.

The phrase kept on reading itself in my mind. "Learning not to be surprised by the ways in which you are perpetually surprised, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God". How accurately descriptive of my life's experience!

As I processed, I began substituting the term "surprised" with other terms, verbs, that 'belonged' in the statement "Learning not to be surprised...(then) you will learn to rest..." . The idea came up of making a list of such terms, first, to see how 'long' the list could be, and maybe by making that list, I would become aware of a whole range of 'things' that 'jolted' me. And with that on hand, maybe I would be able to do something about that...and thus reduce the effects of the 'surprise energy of reacting'. So I started the list.  Here it goes:

First, I wrote the statement by the author, and then I put in the substitutions in the term "surprised":
"Learning not to be surprised by the ways in which you are perpetually surprised, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to be scared by the ways in which you are perpetually scared, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to be jolted by the ways in which you are perpetually jolted, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to be jarred by the ways in which you are perpetually jarred, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to be shocked by the ways in which you are perpetually shocked, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to be disappointed by the ways in which you are perpetually disappointed, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to be hurt by the ways in which you are perpetually hurt, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to feel as lied to by the ways in which you are perpetually feeling as lied to, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to feel deceived by the ways in which you are perpetually feeling deceived, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to feel manipulated by the ways in which you are perpetually feeling manipulated, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to feel railroaded by the ways in which you are perpetually feeling railroaded, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to feel forced by the ways in which you are perpetually feeling forced, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

Learning not to feel rushed by the ways in which you are perpetually feeling rushed, you will learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God".

The list was not only long, and 'serious' in nature, but revealing of my predisposition to adversity, mistrust, judgement, and operational expertise in a reactionary mode! If only I could now "learn to rest in an abiding sense of confidence...in God."

And then it started clearing itself more. If I learn to 'rest in an abiding sense of confidence', or of benevolence, or of trust, and for that matter, of love...whatever label one pulls for 'that', isn't 'that' the same as resting in ..."God"? Isn't "that" the source?...of all those terms? And if so, where have I been? On the wrong side of the tracks all this time?!!! No wonder!

For now, what if the premise is gone back to? That is, for me to learn not to react to all the ways in which I am accustomed (habit, vice...!) to 're - acting', and for me just to "rest": to not do, to not surge. And thus, allowing what comes, trusting - and confident - in the subtle strength that this posture of allowing brings, a mysterious goodness that envelops in a loving aura what is in front of me, around me, and maybe even slightly beyond me. And maybe that is the 'surprise' I present to life: rather than fulfilling its expectations by mistrusting, calculating, reacting, yelling, calling for 'my rights', etc., etc., I just 'rest', and listen, and maybe ask - "tell me more" - , allowing for the fullest expression of that in front of me, letting it to "arise, endure and pass away"...neither "clinging to nor rejecting"...and the author adds (something which is hard to 'see', something of a mystery to me): "that we might awaken to God given whole and complete in and as the gift of our sadness and happiness and all the emotions we experience".

There is some munching to do. For now, let me just..."rest".