Happy Birthday, Don Pepe!...dad

Today, many, many years ago, and many more memories than that, my father was born. I think. At least, I have a note about that, so as to re - member.

In the recent days he has been present in my awareness and thus, memories brought about by that. The memories are 'dry': not the soft, moist, aroma - filled memories of one's mother, or grandma. The loving conceit - ers, to whim you were "the greatest thing since slice bread"; their "adoración". No, these memories are grown-up. The type that we think of about business relationships. Dry, emotions, backstage, yet they bear no defensiveness, nor aggressiveness. Just plain "facts", heady stuff, no sensations nor emotions aroused except 'presence'. As in, "it is time", here and now, "it-is-what-it-is".

So, here we are, Dad; here I am.

Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for my name. Thank you for the experiences. Thank you for the gifts, the laughter, the joys, the moments of unity, of "Blanco greatness" - poor words to denote that sensation where nothing else, external, was missing. Thank you for the characteristics I inherited: the known and the unknown. Thank you for your sense of honor, of respect, of justice and fairness. Thank you for your keen insights.

Thank you for your love of sports - that is, baseball - which you played till a foul ball hit you 'down there' and took you out of active playing at the age of 55. That 'stamina' for competition, for fun, for whatever sports feed from within one's nature, that, I relate to and have for all my life. Maybe that is my love for exercise, for jogging, for yoga, for physicality. I still remember the comics, ads for Charles Atlas, that maybe instilled in me that fervor for health. Pssst! and I think your grandson - José Javier - relishes in that same vein. He is "nuts" about sports! Those genes are yours.

For so many years I have held regrets and resentments towards you, fueled by stories that I have no way to now tell if they were constructs of my fantasies. I remember along those lines  - fantasies - when you would take me to Ponce's Pier - Playa de Ponce, on the side of the Coast Guard, and Paquito's house - , and we would stand at the end of the pier, sit down, legs dangling and facing the deep blues. You would ask me to inhale. I remember vividly: "Breath in, it's good for you. Breathe in the iodine, it heals the lungs. Breathe".  And after a while there, taking in the breeze, and your saying hello to acquaintances of yours that might come by, we would take the bus back home. Those are fond memories.

But how few of them are there.

I attribute that 'loss' to your age...? If you were born in 1898 (?), when I was born you were 47. When I was 10, you were 57. Remember your saying, something like..."when one hits the big 50, the countdown starts"...That was scary to me. and when I was 15, you were...not there.

I sometimes say I had a grandfather instead of a father. When as a child, I wanted you the most, to play with you, you were not there or couldn't. And when I started college, in a moment when I most needed you, the divorce came around. No, this is not recrimination, dad. This is just saying, sharing with you. Those tears have been shed many times; that - I think - is healed. I just want to say, how much fun we could have had in those 2 - 3 transitional, formative years that turned out to be so meaningful and special. Wish you had been there with me, for me to go ask, consult, share, feel your strength and wisdom on my side. Yep. I yearned for that, a lot.

But, it was not to be.

I just want to take this moment and say..."Happy Birthday, Dad!" I want to thank you for my being here, and with that, for all of that which indirectly - through being - you have surrounded me with. In my children - Adlín, Jocelyn, and José Javier - I sometimes see you in their 'fibre', their sharpness, their stoutness, their wicked sense of humor. Glances, of course. I would have loved for them to have been able to spned time with you. That would have been - neat!

Don José - "Pepe" -  Blanco

So, let's blow away all the candles that need to be blown. Left behind. Let's take a dip at a new relationship, now that I am "at that age", in which the countdown is 'out there'. Join me and let's have fun - in our deep 'sanctum'. And from there, wrap your arms around your grandchildren - hold them, guide them, give them the laughs of your humor, and the strength of your fibres. Leave some for me, too, ok?

Happy Birthday, Dad!

PS: Dad, please accept my apologies for my role in that distance too...