Of course I am powerful!...and great!...ahhh?

I came across a thought today that is the source of so much discomfort, 'down' moods, and ultimately, broken relationships, as one's sour mood is projected onto others around oneself. The thought came from reading "The Boof of Awakening" by Mark Nepo, on the thought of the day, 14 April 2016:

"It may have nothing to do with me, but If

a friend or loved one is sad or angry, I can

secretly wonder, What did I do? What can I

do? Why didn't I do it all better to begin with?"

The author builds on the point - introduces the concept, and presents the 'theme' - power!, then comes the punch (at least to me!): "Certainly we affect each other, and often, but to assume that other people's inner moods hinge on my presence is an egocentric way to keep myself in a cycle of sacrifice and guilt. Further, to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and codependence." (...😳!) 

Whaaaaattt???

Cont'd: "In extreme moments of negative self-centered-ness we can even assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misfortune because we weren't good enough or there enough or perfect enough."

Ok, ok. Definitely, I "confess". 

As a good friend says: "I am guilty and will never..."_"do it again"!

Of course, this reading will help me... become aware of my unhealthy behavior. And that is a first step...If any, as I patiently wait for the first opportunity the scenario comes up, and then I can/maybe put in practice the recent learning, though at this time I have no idea "how", what "to do". (As I walk into this space of uncertainty and hopefully become comfortable with "not being sure"..."not knowing what to do"..."not having a specific goal"...agggghhh!).

The author provides 3 practices (which I will not bring here), and refers to the "psychologist Michael Mahoney's definition of self-confidence, in which he traces confidence to the Latin "confidere", "fidelity", and understands self-confidence as a fidelity to the self."

Maybe that it is. 

(All of a sudden I feel as small as a grain of sand...my vital energy has shrunk away from my spine. My breath is as shallow as a piece of paper is thin.) How faithful have I been, am I, to myself...? How trusting?...How 'solidarious...(sp?)'? Whose voice do I listen to: that of the "pent-house dweller", or as it is less often, mine?

Maybe I have a glimpse of where the tiny sliver of the path is...`