Leaving well...and belonging, but none of that 'ghosting', no!

As the times seem to make it harder to not be on the same page with those around oneself...every little comment seems to drive in a wedge in relationships - I was looking forward to reading something not divisive in energy: not politics, sports, competitions, religion (sorry! - not referring to spirituality but toi 'sectarianism', ok?), no shooter:massacre commentaries, etc., ...I reached out for Toko-Pa's book, a gift from my beloved middle child, and opened it at 'random', almost saying: "Ok Universe, your time to speak to me!". So I picked "Belonging - Remembering ourselves home", by Toko-Pa Turner.

And the opening paragraph of those pages was...tadá!..."Leaving well". What? Leaving...?

A group within my HS Class of '62 was reminiscing...the good old times...the many that passed on this year, no longer with us...asking how many of us were still around, where and how to contact them...and I'm confronted with this..."Leaving well"...? Wonder what's up, Universe?

So, I was not going to change the page, no no! Let's see what's up! What lesson is up today, as more seem to be coming in faster, shorter and closer together, but still full of meaning. And this is what was there for me: page 226 was 'screaming' at me - "start, read!"

So, rather than 'tell about it, I put it here: not my words, not my thoughts, but that of the Author's. The book reference and web site below. It speaks to the times, and to our hearts today. And with you...:

 Leaving well…

Belonging is a dynamic process that requires alternating periods of separation and togetherness. As we develop the capacity for tending a village, so too must we develop skillfulness with leaving. Unlike ghosting, which is a growing modern phenomenon of ending all communication in a relationship without explanation, leaving well means acknowledging all that relationship has given you while still honoring the onward call.

Closure normally requires two or more people coming together to consider each other's points of view and come to a consensual agreement for how to move forward, together or separately. But if one or more people are unwilling or unable to undergo this ritual, we can be left with a lack of closure.

When someone has ghosted on a conversation, commitment or conflict, it's important to realize this as an act of indifference that counters belonging. Ghosting is all we believe we owe to a world on which we don't feel we have made an impact. In a sense, it is to make yourself a ghost in your own life, dissociating from the importance of your presence in others’ lives. It is to withhold your disagreements, your longing to be seen, and to make yourself and others around you disposable. Unless someone is willing to hold you accountable, and be accountable themselves, they can never take a seat at the table of belonging.

We need to show each other that love is worth wrestling for, braving ourselves into the fires of intimacy. We are not expendable. And we shall know each other every time we show up for conflict, hurt, and confusion.

This state of limbo can be an enormous drain on our energy, even unconsciously, as we keep returning to the moment, wondering if we handled things well enough, imagining the other’s reaction, or lack of reaction, unable to move forward without their acknowledgment. In these situations, it's important to make an act of closure, even symbolically. This begins with forgiving both yourself and the other for your limitations.

If you have invited such a person or group to move consciously through conflict, and they have refused you, first you must give yourself wholeheartedly to grief. In French, instead of “I miss you”, we say “Tu me manques”, which means “You are missing from me”. In your grief, you are valuing the impact of your separation, the missing they've left behind…

When you’re ready, find or create an object that symbolizes the closure you seek, and consider imbuing it with your prayers:

I bless your absence, your silence, your disappearance from me with this grief. May the echo of your going missing reach back to you one day, so you know your own substantiality. May I know my grief as a measure of my willingness to devotion, and may I trust that I've been spared from halfway love. May this and all disappearances inspire me to become ever more scrappy and tenacious in love. May I know with greater clarity others who are the same. And when I meet them, may I redouble my commitment to the craft of belonging.

Once you've given thanks and made your intent, throw your symbolic object off a bridge, burn it in a fire, bury it in a grave – but dispose of it and let it be final. There are a million tiny heartbreaks in every failed friendship, every disappointed hope, every extended hand denied, and we must grieve them all. But at a certain point, we also must stop carrying them with us. We must declare what’s done was all that could be done. We have to sever those subtle ties that keep us hoping for a response to spring from the ashes.

Every separation you make from a person or place that cannot meet you where you stand is a step towards the community of your true belonging. In as much as you have grown your capacity for inclusiveness, so too will you be challenged to hold protective boundaries around the village you are building. Not everyone will share your values, but in the act of turning away from those that don't, you are also turning towards those that do.

 ...shhh: let it sink in. 

That's a sample from...

    Belonging
    …Re-membering ourselves home

Author: Toko-pa Turner